Moderator David Muir: Hello! Welcome to the presidential debate, Vice President Kamala Harris and former president Donald Trump. Your challenges tonight are as follows: Kamala Harris, please introduce yourself to the American people. Reassure undecided voters. Lay out a policy vision. Sound prepared, but not scripted. There is a difference, and we will be able to detect it! Attack Donald Trump, but not in a way that people view as too prosecutorial. Make it clear you find him ridiculous, but without using your face or laughter. Basically, the thing from the Barbie speech. Do the Barbie speech.
Kamala Harris: Got it.
Moderator Linsey Davis: Donald Trump, just say things that a person would say. They don’t have to be in response to the question. They can just be words. “Person,” “woman,” “man,” “camera,” “TV,” for example. Just words that a normal person might say. Not a talk radio host, a normal person. Just to prove you can. Just until the end of the debate.
Harris: To put this in perspective, it’s actually less time than you speak at your rallies — and unlike at your rallies, we have to stay until the end. We can’t leave if we get tired or bored, like the people at your rallies can.
Donald Trump: [foaming at the mouth] Excuse me! Excuse me! Officer, that lady — very rude! — said my rallies are small. They are not small! They are large, above average! Everyone says they are pleasurable and last the right amount of time! No one even goes to her rallies! I don’t think women even have rallies! JD Vance says they’re not allowed to congregate like that. I’m so mad and keyed up right now! It’s got to be the fault of immigrants who are ruining this country! In Springfield, they’re eating the dogs. The people that came in. They’re eating the cats. They’re eating — they’re eating the pets of the people that live there. [This is a verbatim quote.])
[The moderators pull out a big clock from under their desk and reset it.]
Muir: Just to be clear, they are absolutely not doing that. This is a racist conspiracy theory from a part of the internet that instantly starts to fizz and evaporate if any light touches it, not a real thing that is happening. But this is why Ted Cruz is sharing racist memes about Donald Trump protecting cats. I hate that I know this.
Trump: The people on television say my dog was taken and used for food.
Davis: [resetting the clock] Under a minute there, wow!
Trump: But the people on television say their dog was eaten by the people that went there.
Muir: [resetting the clock a third time] Okay, Donald. It’s okay. Don’t get frustrated! You can try again. Just normal words. Things where if you said them to a stranger next to you on the city bus, he would stay the same distance away from you and not move farther away.
Trump: A city bus? What’s that?
Harris: Like a limo, but with more sharing.
Trump: Not her. I don’t want her to talk. When she talks I get upset! She is a Marxist, like her father.
Muir: Do you want to talk about the time you suggested that Vice President Harris ‘happened to turn Black’?
Trump: Happy to! That wasn’t a weird thing to say. I’ll say it again right now!
Muir: [resetting] Okay. How about a question? Nationwide abortion ban. JD Vance said you wouldn’t sign one.
Trump: I don’t really talk to JD Vance about everything.
[Everyone nods encouragingly. The clock keeps ticking.]
Harris: So that’s a “no” on a nationwide abortion ban?
Trump: I didn’t say that! I think everyone on both sides of the aisle is happy that we got rid of Roe v. Wade.
Harris: I disagree. Look at what has happened nationwide with the Trump abortion bans. Women in danger of losing their lives, unable to receive medical care. Victims of rape and incest having their bodily autonomy taken from them again. Couples who want to have families being denied IVF.
Trump: Excuse me, I have to respond. I have been a leader on fertilization.
[The moderators sigh and reset the clock.]
Harris: For someone who hasn’t been discussing things with JD Vance, you sound as if you’ve been discussing things with JD Vance.
Trump: Not her! I don’t like her! Bring back the other one. Bring back Joe Biden!
Davis: Just, think of a sentence, any sentence. A sentence you could say to a friend after which that friend would not respond, “I’m worried about you.”
Trump: I don’t regret anything about Jan. 6.
Muir: Try, uh, try again!
Harris: This is why everyone in your party with a shred of patriotism or decency is endorsing me.
Trump: Well, we won’t have anyone like that in my next administration.
Muir: What will you have?
Trump: Definitely not Project 2025.
Davis: Any plans? You’re replacing the Affordable Care Act, known as Obamacare. What with?
Trump: I have concepts of a plan. Also, mass deportations!
Harris: I have an idea! How about, instead of that, we have affordable housing and a child tax credit? I think America is a nice place to live, and the people here are good, and they are sick of hearing you rant weirdly about immigrants. They just want to not have to keep worrying about their democracy all the time.
Trump: I think America is garbage and voting is overrated. Dictator on Day 1! More tariffs! Mass deportations! Political prosecutions! Vice President JD Vance!
Harris: I just want to say I’d be happy to do another one of these debates, and my schedule is very clear until November!
[Camera pans out to reveal Taylor Swift has been watching this debate with a notebook, in which she has been painstakingly writing down pros and cons. She carefully examines the columns and nods with finality.]
Taylor Swift: Well, that does it. Post the endorsement.
